The Long and Winding Road
by Naseka
Summary: Clarisse must go through a series of stages in order to come to terms with the fact that she will never see again. COMPLETE!
1. Day One

A/N: This happens after PD2. How long after? I don't know, 1…2 months. Betcha never read one of these C/J fics before. Well…I haven't so enjoy.

I know nothing about people being blind, okay, so just go along with it.

* * *

"Clarisse, my darling will you please calm down? It's not the end of the world."

Yes, Joseph, it is the end of the world.

"Calm down? How can I calm down? Do you have any idea how I'm feeling?"

"No, but I can imagine."

"No you can't, Joseph, no-one can."

I heard him turn off the light and then whisper, "Now I can't see you either."

"Oh," I said as he held me close, "How am I supposed to live like this?"

"I'll help you. Mia will help you. Charlotte will help you. It's going to be hard to adjust to, but we'll get through it."

"I just can't believe this happened to me."

"And so suddenly."

"You know what the worst part is?"

"Mmm?"

"I'll never get to see you again."

"I know."

"And even worse, I won't be able to put make-up on properly anymore. I'll have to get it tattooed onto my face."

"Ha, if worse comes to worse, I'll do it for you."

I shivered at that thought. Joseph is good at a lot of things, but he is no beautician. Still, it was sweet of him to offer.

"I think I need to have a lie down."

"Alright. I'll be right here if you need me."

I honestly can't believe this happened to me. In my worst dreams, I never would have imagined that this could happen to me. I've always taken good care of my eyes. Why couldn't it have been my hearing that died? I'd rather be able to see than hear. This couldn't have come at a worse time either. Mia's getting married next week and we picked out this beautiful wedding gown and I'm never going to be able to see her wear it down the aisle. Such a beautiful dress and such a beautiful girl. I can only hope for a miracle.

The doctor said I have in-curable blindness and that I'll never be able to see again. It started about a week ago; I couldn't see things properly and I crashed into things a lot. And today, I woke up and found I was totally blind. I woke up and thought it was still night, but then I got up and turned the light on. It didn't work though, so I felt my way to the door then went into the lounge and turned the television on. I heard sound, but there was no picture. Joseph came into the room and I asked him if there was something wrong with the TV. He thought I was crazy and then we realised what was going on. We both panicked and I heard him run around in circles before finally reaching the phone to call for help.

So here I am now, lying on my bed, talking into a tape-recorder and probably sounding like some stupid little talk show host. I can't write my diary anymore, so this just has to do.

Joseph is being really helpful and caring and loving and supportive, but if he keeps insisting on being there when I'm having a bath or going for a walk outside, I will have to take a swing at him.

I'm in what they call stage one of coping with blindness. In other words, I'm in shock and feeling sorry for myself. This is supposed to go on for two days and then I'm supposed to be depressed (oh no, not again), then in denial (there's hope, there's still hope), then angry (god help me), then pretending I'm okay with it (as if that's going to happen), then I'm supposed to realise that it's not the end of the world (it's not?) then finally, I will learn to deal with it (if I manage to get through the rest).

That's seven stages. I'm going to have a long month ahead of me.


	2. Day Two

Joseph and I have never slept together. It's true that we've slept in the same bed (57 times now to be precise), but we haven't actually made love. We did try on our wedding night, but his knees gave way and my back was playing up, so we just lay there in pain, kissing each other and talking of times past. We haven't actually tried again since then because Joseph thinks I'm not ready and he says he doesn't want to rush me. I think it's because after the wedding reception, we went up to our suite and I uncontrollably screamed when he came out of the shower naked and begged him to put some pants on. He just startled me, that's all. I didn't mean to scream.

We've been trying out this new program that he thought up where he slowly moves his hands all over my body and I respond by telling him how uncomfortable I feel on a scale of one to twenty. It's a clever idea, but I don't feel that it's working properly because most of my discomfort actually comes from my stressing over using the program. It immediately takes my score up to seven. The worst part about it is that he jots down each night's results in his notebook and says to me either, "Well, I see we're improving," or, "Oh, well, we'll try again tomorrow."

Sometimes I think I should just tear up that book and jump on him. I can only imagine the look on his face if he saw me flying towards him.

I can't believe we've been married for two months and haven't even gotten to what Mia calls "Third base". I mean, Rupert and I went all the way on our wedding night, despite the fact that we hardly knew each other. But I was a lot younger then.

Joseph was so happy when I proposed to him as I was of course. And that first kiss was simply wonderful. We would have enjoyed it to the full extent if all of those people weren't watching. I could see that Joseph was embarrassed and didn't quite know what to do after we broke away. He just kept looking at the back wall.

That turned out to be one of the most painful, but happy days of my life and by painful I mean the back pain and the fact that I thought I was going to see my granddaughter make the same mistake as me. Thankfully, she didn't and now she's going to walk down the aisle with the man she loves and she's going to live happily ever after and have plenty of children (I hope). I, on the other hand am not going to see her get married. I wish more than anything that I could, but it's just not possible.

Did I neglect to mention that Joseph and I now live alone in a large cottage just outside of town? It was originally meant for Rupert and I for when we retired, but since he left and I married Joseph, it's ours. I couldn't be happier. There are no cameras and no guards, only us and our four acres of green grass. We don't even have maids because I thought it was high time I learned to fend for myself. I guess we're going to have to hire one now. There goes my privacy.

The only other living things you'll find on our land are our two horses (Tina and Bernie) and also my wonderful dog, Maurice. It's very peaceful and very quiet here. I had such an incredibly wonderful time adjusting to the whole privacy thing that when I went back to the palace for the first time to visit Mia, I felt as if I was alone and did things that I wouldn't want anyone to see, for example; I stood in the hallway scratching my behind. One of the guards caught me, but I told him that I thought I'd been bitten by a bee and that silenced him. I walked away all red-faced and I think the guard did, too. Those were the days, full of life, full of colours, but now, my life is full of boredom because I can't do many of the things I love to do the most; I can't eat proper meals yet without making a mess, I can't go walking by myself, I can't ride my horse until I learn to fully stabilize myself, (in other words I'm a little off balance) and the number one thing I love to do but can't do on account of my blindness (apart from admiring my husband), is read. Reading has been such an important part of my life and I can't do it anymore.

Today, Joseph came home with a cane, a talking watch and all of my favourite books on tape, except for my absolute favourite (Pride and Prejudice). I was fairly angry about him bringing in all these at-home-blind-person activities, because I didn't want to be reminded that I'm blind. I know he meant well, but it was too soon. Perhaps my anger was a sign that I totally skipped the depression and moved right on. I hope so, but the chances of skipping depression are slim to nil.

I did listen to my talking books for a while, but it just wasn't the same. I like to look at the pictures, not imagine them.

Oh well, I can hear Joseph coming for our nightly program, so I'll finish up with this. May as well start preparing now, "Seven, twelve, eight, twelve, thirteen, nine."

It's going to be another long night…


	3. Day Three

Why does it always rain when you're upset? When I woke up this morning, I heard the rain and started to cry. I hate the rain. It's sad, cold and depressing, which is something I really don't need right now. Lately I've felt as if the depression could kick-in any minute. It could have already started without me knowing about it. But perhaps I'm just upset about the events of last night.

Joseph came in for our nightly program and I told him that I didn't want to do it and he started whining and begging and saying, "But we were doing so well…"

Well I had news for him! I said, "Joseph, I don't want to do this anymore."

"But we're doing so well."

"No, you don't understand. The program isn't working anymore."

"Yes it is. We're getting so close to each other now, you just need a little more time."

"No, I don't need more time."

"Yes, that's all you need."

I didn't want to have to tell him this, but I did, "I've been ready for weeks. Well, as ready as I'm ever going to get anyway."

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I knew he wanted a rating.

"Five!" I said.

"Five? Wow. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because practically perfect people never permit sentiment to model their thinking."

"What?"

"I didn't think I needed to tell you. You should know me well enough by now to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling."

"Not when it comes to something like this."

"Why? How is it different to anything else?"

"I wanted you to make sure that you're absolutely, positively ready."

"I don't think I can get readier than I already am."

"But you wouldn't want to be nervous."

"No matter what, I will always be a bit nervous when it comes to this kind of thing. It's only natural when exploring new feelings, new emotions."

"So the program worked?"

"No."

"No?"

"I didn't think much of it. It was alright to begin with, but it went on for too long."

"So you're saying it was bad idea?"

"I'm just saying that I didn't really enjoy it."

"Alright then, you could have told me sooner and saved all the trouble, but if you didn't feel it was necessary then I understand."

I know he didn't.

"I have some things to do before going to bed," he kissed my forehead, "goodnight."

Okay, there wasn't really any reason to get upset about that apart from his smart-guy attitude. Perhaps it's not that which is making me upset…perhaps I'm…no, I don't want to think about that right now. Stay calm…continue…

The first thing Joseph and I did when we moved in was put a door in between two of the seven bedrooms in our house. We sleep in one room and Joseph has his Den in the other. In it, there is a desk, a chair, a couch, a bed, a bookshelf and a television. He's slept in there twice, because like most couples, we fight. Not big fights where you never want to see the other person again, just little things; sometimes he drinks too much and I get upset because I don't like him drinking excessively, other times he comes home late and won't tell me where he's been. Just small things.

So that's where he spends most of his day doing god knows what and it's also where he slept last night. I don't know why he slept in there. He can't have been upset, because we didn't have a fight. Maybe he just wanted to be away from me…

He's been acting so suspicious these past couple of days. Whenever I go into his den to talk to him or ask him if he's seen my tape recorder (because he'd have a better chance of being able to see it than I would), I always hear what sounds like rustling papers being shoved it into a drawer. If he doesn't want me to see something, then why would he need to hide it in a drawer? He could flash it in front of my face all he likes and I still wouldn't be able to see it. The silly man…

So after the rustling paper, he always says, "Oh, hello dear. I didn't see you there."

And then he adds, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't…" as if saying the word "see" is going to offend me. It offends me that he thinks it is going to offend me!

So I don't know what he's up to, but I do plan to ask Mia or Charlotte step away from their busy schedules and snoop around Joseph's desk for me, since I can't really do it myself. I don't like him keeping secrets and taking advantage of my being blind. It's just not fair! I might call Charlotte now actually. Goodbye listening people!


	4. Day Four

Well, Charlotte was able to sneak away from her parliamentary duties for the day, so she came over here for what she thought was just a friendly cup of tea. Little did she know what I had in store for her.

"Charlotte, I want you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"I want you to find out what Joseph's been doing in his den."

"You mean snooping?"

"No, I…I don't mean snooping…"

I did mean snooping.

"I just suspect he's up to something and I want to know what it is."

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Please Charlotte? I wouldn't ask if I weren't so deeply concerned."

"Well…where is he now?"

Bingo!

"He's gone out shopping as far as I know."

Little did I know at the time that he was in one of the spare rooms, trying to avoid me.

"Oh, please help me, Charlotte. I must know what he's been up to."

"Alright then, let's go."

After she agreed to search for me, I took her up to the den and she started going through his desk, bless her.

"I haven't found anything yet."

"Look in the drawers, there's something in the drawers."

I heard her open a drawer, but she said there was nothing in it. That crafty Joseph must have moved what ever was in it.

"Keep looking, Charlotte."

"Found something."

"What is it?" I was eager very to know what it was and still am.

"It a bunch of papers with writing on them."

"What do they say?"

"Well, the top one says…JOSEPH!"

"And what do the rest say?"

"No, I mean he's right behind you."

One bad thing about being blind is that unless you have super good hearing, you don't know if somebody else has entered the room.

"What?" I turned around and felt around for him (accidentally feeling a bit more than I should have), "Oh, golly."

"Why are you two in here going through my things?"

Damn that Charlotte. She told him the truth (although I don't blame her; she's a terrible liar), "We were just…Clarisse wanted to know what you've been doing in here and she asked me to... I'm sorry Joseph."

"Charlotte, would you please give us a moment alone for a minute?"

"Certainly, excuse me."

It sounded as if she left in a hurry. Poor Charlotte, I didn't mean to drag her into this; it's just that she has good eyes and I don't.

"What do you think you're playing at?" He was furious.

"I thought you'd gone out."

"Oh, and that gives you rights to ask someone to go through my things?"

"Yes, when you're being secretive it gives me full rights."

"I…no it doesn't!"

"So if you weren't out, then where were you?"

"In the spare room!"

"Why didn't you come back to bed last night?"

"I fell asleep in the den." Suspicious or what?

"Why, what were you doing in there?"

"You'll find out in a few days. You are so..."

"Why don't you just tell me what it is now?"

"Because it's not finished!"

"What is it?"

"A surprise for you."

"A surprise for me? What is it?"

"It's a surprise! Just be patient for heaven's sake or I won't give it to you!"

"Alright."

I am so anxious to know what this surprise is. Why can't he just give it t me now? Maybe it's a cover-up and there is no surprise. But what would he be trying to cover up?

Joseph came into the bedroom when I was recording today's events and to my surprise, he started yelling at me. I guess he wanted to wait until Charlotte went home, which was actually an hour ago, but that's not important. I've noticed that Joseph does all his yelling at nighttime. I think it's because there is less chance of anybody overhearing, since no unexpected visitors come around at night. Anyway, this is what he said:

"Why did you invite Charlotte around to go through my things? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your privacy invaded? Of course you do! So why did you do

it to me? I'll tell you why. You can't stand not knowing what's going on around you, which is understandable, but not when it's none of your business. Did you go through my things when you still had your eyesight?"

I didn't reply to any of the things he was saying and I was trying not to listen for fear that it would start the depression.

"I bet you did. God, if that's the case, then it's probably actually better for my sake that you're blind."

That hurt. What a fine choice of husband I made, picking on the blind and he still asks me why I didn't want to marry him.

He slammed his hand on the doorframe and then headed into his den. Looks like I'm going to be spending another night alone.

I'm currently trying to keep my tears from falling. I know I was a naughty girl today, but first thing tomorrow, I will ask for forgiveness. Now, to keep myself from further upset, I will now talk about the other events of my day:

When I woke up, I ate breakfast, then had a shower, then dressed, then brushed my hair and got Joseph to make it look pretty (not sure how that worked out, not being able to see it), then I put on my lipstick and eye shadow (Joseph says I'm getting good at it, but I still need him to do the rest), then I realised that I must sound boring talking about the small details of my day, so I'll just stop now.

I should really go and talk to Joseph, but seeing as though I'm already comfortable, I'd prefer it if he came to me.

Maybe I'll just yell out to him, "Joseph!"

Wow, it worked! He just came in.

"Is there something you wanted?"

"I'm sorry I made Charlotte go through your desk. It was inconsiderate, inappropriate and insanely stupid of me."

"Thankyou."

"Forgive me?"

"No, but I'll try to forget about it. I'm sorry I said that thing about you being blind…can I borrow that after you?"

"What?"

"Your tape-recorder."

"Why do you want it?"

"Never you mind."

"No, if you're not going to tell me why you want it, then you can't borrow it."

"I'll forgive you."

"Alright, just let me finish up. Could you come back in a minute?"

"Of course."

Well, that went well. I wonder what he wants my tape recorder for? Oh well, I'll try not to think about it. Maybe it's got something to do with my surprise…I wonder what my surprise is…


	5. Day Seven

Joseph is so sweet. I found out what my surprise was; he went to the trouble of actually recording the whole Pride and Prejudice book on tape. No wonder it took so long. He must have sat there reading it for days. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do since he hates that book. I'm so lucky to have a husband as sweet and caring as him. I've been in bed listening to it all day and laughing at the fact that he stutters when he doesn't know how to pronounce a word. It's cute. He also made me another tape, which has a collection of his thoughts and feelings towards me on it. I listened to that one first. It made me cry because it was so beautiful. It really shows how much he loves me. I guess that's what was written on those papers.

I'd like to get him to record my diary for me, but I don't want him reading some of the things I have written in there. I don't want anyone to read them. There are just some things that need to be kept private, like the fact that I hated my parents. Nobody, knew how much I hated them. I hated them for how they treated me as a young girl, I hate them for making me marry a complete stranger and I hate them because they spread nasty rumours about Joseph and me in 1982, which explains why nobody was surprised when I married him 22 years later. But there was honestly nothing going on! It was only a dance! My mother just happened to be watching at the time and figured that something was going on when she saw us ALMOST kiss. Rupert was furious because she exaggerated completely and told him that it was a lot more than just a dance. A LOT more. That was when I really started hating her. My father was in on the whole thing too, he supported my mother, even though I'm sure he knew she was lying. In the public eye and in everyone else's eyes, I had a good relationship with my parents, but behind closed doors, I would yell and scream at them and once I told them that I wished they would just die and get out of my life.

Fortunately for me, they died 4 years later. I was so happy. They both died at the same time in a mysterious house fire, which I swear to god I was nowhere near at the time…

Today was a very slow day. I spent five hours listening to Joseph's tapes, which was fun, but sometimes you just need a break. I felt my way downstairs because I wanted to find out what Joseph was up to. He was watching the television. I curled up beside him on the couch and he put his arm around me. Aww…

"Did you finish listening?"

"No, I came down for a break. I needed to rest my ears."

"Ah. How are they?"

"My ears?"

"The tapes."

"Oh, they're great. Thankyou for making them for me, I really appreciate it. I know how much you hate that book."

"Anything for you, my darling wife."

He kissed my forehead and I presume he resumed watching the television.

"What are you watching?" I asked.

"It's the news."

"Interesting?"

"Not really. Can I make you something to eat?"

How thoughtful.

"Not now, thankyou."

"Alright, tea?"

"No. I just want to stay here like this."

It was nice. We lay there for ages, just enjoying each other's company. I was in heaven.

* * *

Okay, I'm just going to end this right here because I find mushy scenes boring and unnecessary. Also, I would prefer to move on to the next thing. I only put this chapter in so I could get the surprise out of the way in order for me to move onto the next chapter. I've got good (but sad) ideas for it. I'm going to start it right after I have a shower, so you can expect it in a few hours. 


	6. Day Twelve

I think Joseph hates me. I don't blame him though, I haven't exactly been a good wife lately. I had spent three days straight lying in bed. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't bathe and I didn't even get up to go to the toilet. I was literally lying in my own filth. The smell was terrible, but I didn't care. I just wanted to suffer by myself. I had entered the stage of depression. It was Mia's wedding that triggered it off. I was sitting in the front row, listening to the music and the vows and it tore me up inside that I couldn't see what was going on. I had to get out of there, so I screamed at Joseph to take me home until he did so. Mia was upset because apparently it was all over the news and I ruined her special day.

Joseph was very concerned, because I wouldn't move or speak to him or anyone else and when he came to bed, he noticed the smell and the fact that the bed was wet and asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was fine, which was a lie. He asked me if I would get up so he could change the sheets, but I refused to move. He tried lifting me off, but for some unknown reason, I kicked and screamed at him, so he dropped me and went to sleep in his den. I think he realised then that there was something seriously wrong with me. Who wouldn't have noticed?

The next morning he came in and smelt the stench. It was getting worse and worse.

"Clarisse, is something going on?"

I didn't say anything.

"Are you feeling okay?"

I still didn't say anything.

"Aren't you going to get up?"

I didn't want to, so I didn't. I had come to the realisation that my life was ruined. I was never going to see again, so what was the point of living? I would never be able to watch the sunrise or sunset, nor would I be able to see the lyrebirds nesting. All my life was doing was taking up valuable space and oxygen. I was totally useless.

"Alright, I'm going to call the doctor."

"Please don't, I just want to be left alone to die."

"Clarisse, just because you're blind, it doesn't mean you're going to die!"

"What would you know? You don't have to live like this!"

"No, but I do get the privilege of having to live with someone who has to live like this."

"Why don't you just go then? Move out! Then you won't have to live with me!"

"I can't because I made a commitment to stick by you in sickness and in health. And you seem pretty sick to me."

I knew he was right, but my head was just so mixed up. I suddenly felt him attempt to lift me up again.

"Come on, time to have a shower."

"GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE!"

"For Christ's sake, Clarisse, you are dirty and you smell! You need to have a shower."

"And you need to mind your own business. Can't you just let me suffer here alone?"

"Fine, but don't come crawling to me next time you need help."

He left the room I started to cry.

The next night, I was stripped down to my underwear and lifted out of bed. I didn't have the energy to cause a scene, so I allowed Joseph to take me into the bathroom and place me into the bathtub. The water felt really nice and warm. Joseph went out to the bedroom and I heard him muttering to himself as he ripped the sheets off the bed. That was when I slipped my head under the water and drifted off to sleep.

I was on a magical underwater adventure. There were pink fish everywhere and lots of bubbles and yellow seahorses and I touched them and they giggled and so did I. It was just like a fairytale, then I heard what sounded like Joseph yelling, "WAKE UP, DAMN YOU! WAKE UP!"

Then I felt my chest being pressed hard and Joseph's lips were on mine, blowing air into my mouth. I started coughing up water. That's when the dream ended and I realised that I was lying down on a tiled floor, otherwise known as our bathroom floor.

"Clarisse, are you alright? Are you okay? Answer me."

I rolled onto my side and started coughing some more.

"Clarisse? Can I get you something? Can I help you up? Please answer me."

I sat up and put my head in my hands, "You tried to drown me?"

"I didn't! I tried to help you! Clarisse, I really think you should see a doctor."

"I don't need to."

"Yes, you do. I've already called Dr. Morris and he said he's going to come around some time tomorrow morning. Now you are going to see him and you are going to listen to what he has to say and then you're going to answer all of his questions."

I stood up and said, "Alright, Joseph."

That was another lie. I didn't want to see a doctor. What would have been the point? He'd come here and tell me that I'm depressed and need some anti-depressant pills and then he'd leave and I'd feel even more depressed because we'd be down by 257 dollars.

Joseph helped put on a bathrobe, then led me to the kitchen and sat me down, "When was the last time you ate?"

I didn't want to tell him, so I just sat silently at the table. I was so weak I had to resort to slouching, because I was unable to sit properly.

"What do you want to eat?"

I kept silent.

"Fine, I'll make you something nice and quick."

Two minutes later, he put a sandwich down in front of me and sat down. I didn't touch it because I wasn't in the mood for eating, nor did I have the ability to actually lift my arm. Joseph started ripping off small pieces and placing them in my mouth. I started to cry again and he got up and put his arms around me. He kissed my forehead and lifted me up, then carried me into one of the spare rooms, because apparently our mattress and our room had become too bad to even walk into. He then went back to the kitchen to fetch me a glass of milk and some chocolates (my cheer-me-up food). They tasted good in my mouth and for one moment I actually felt better. Of course, it didn't last long. I thought about how the chocolate would be making me fatter, so I asked Joseph to take them away. It was nice to lie in a clean bed and it was doubly nice to be clean myself. I noticed that Joseph had put plastic over the mattress, which made sense to me, but I didn't actually plan to stay there all night.

When Joseph fell asleep, I got out of bed and picked up the telephone. I called for one of the palace limousines to come and pick me up and they said that they'd be there in 20 minutes. It only took them 18 minutes to actually get there, by which time I had packed a few things (including my tape recorder and a change of clothes) and I had somehow managed to make my way down the stairs and out the door. Then I stopped still. I couldn't go any further. I was getting weaker and weaker. I fell to my knees and then fell on my face. Next thing I knew, I was being woken up by the driver.

"Madam?" He said, shaking me lightly, "Are you alright?"

I opened my eyes and stared at him, "I…I'm…fine…would you please help me into the limousine?"

There was a large selection of wine bottles in the limousine and I couldn't help but sample them. I know it wasn't the right thing to do in my state, but I was so tired and thought that maybe if I drank a lot, I would pass out and get a good night's sleep. It was working quite well until the driver woke me up saying, "Madam, we've arrived at the palace, are you sure you're okay?"

I shooed him away and collapsed on the seat.


	7. Day Fourteen

I woke up to the smell of hospital air, feeling very much refreshed and so very much stronger. I heard Joseph snoring beside my bed. I knew it was him because he snores so loudly. When we first slept in the same bed (our wedding night), I lay awake in his arms just listening to the horrible noise and giggling. Snoring always amused me. Rupert was a snorer, but he wasn't anywhere near as loud as Joseph. It feels nice to hear snoring when I'm trying to sleep because it makes me feel that I'm not alone. It gives me a sense of security and not just because security is Joseph's specialty.

Anyway, I felt around for him and he slowly woke up moaning.

"Mmm? Clarisse! Oh, darling, I'm so happy you're finally awake! How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, thankyou, really good."

He leaned over and cuddled me saying, "I'm so glad you're okay, I was so worried."

"Why would you be worried?"

"You've been in a coma for two days. Nobody could wake you. I'm so happy you're alright."

"A coma? That's rubbish, I passed out!"

"People who pass out can be woken. You my dear, would not wake."

"Joseph, I honestly passed out. If you remember, I hadn't slept in three days, nor had I eaten. I was very tired and very weak, so I drank and I passed out. Now here I am refreshed and healthy."

"So you're not upset anymore?"

"No. I feel really good."

"That would be the anti-depressants."

"Anti-depressants?"

"Yes. You need to take them every day now."

"Just like last time…"

I started growing sad again when I thought about how upset I was when Rupert died. He was a real friend to me and we'd grown so close over the years. Then my son died, that was even worse and in such a short time. You know I'm the only person in the whole world who thinks they were assassinated? It was just far too coincidental to be an accident. I can't believe someone would actually kill two of the only five people I ever loved. I certainly hope they don't go for Mia. She means the world to me and I couldn't bear losing her. I have no idea what the killers achieved by killing my husband and son. They didn't end up on the throne and I'm sure they wouldn't have gotten any money for it. So why did they take their lives? It's a wonder they didn't come after me. Mind you, I thought they were going to. I was so afraid to go outdoors after Philippe died. I stayed inside all the time because I feared for my life. The only person I would go outside with was Joseph. He made me feel really safe, especially when he'd wait until he thought nobody was looking and he'd kiss me so nicely and so softly. He really was quite the romantic one back then. I loved every second of it. The only reason I turned him down was because I knew how much romance deteriorates after marriage. We're living proof of that, but if I didn't marry him, he would have gone and I'd have been left with nothing. Anyway, enough about that.

I asked Joseph, "Is Mia around? I need to talk to her."

"Oh?"

"I never apologized for ruining her wedding."

"She's on her honeymoon."

"Oh, of course."

"Can I get you something to eat? A drink?"

"Thankyou for asking, but I can get it myself."

"The doctor said you need to stay in bed."

"Why? I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine. You have to stay in bed."

"I don't take orders from you."

"You do when it involves your health, safety or wellbeing and this involves all three."

"Oh, tosh."

I tried to get up, but my back suddenly gave way. I screamed. The pain was so hard and it felt as if somebody had stabbed me in the back.

"I told you to stay where you were. The driver said he accidentally dropped when he was carrying you into the palace."

I was still sort of screaming; it was more like complaining though, "The clumsy fool. I'd like to thank him."

"For dropping you?"

"Ahh, no, silly, for carrying me to safety."

"Would you please stop screaming, it sounds as if you're in labour!"

"Well I am in about as much pain as when I was having Pierre!"

He started rubbing my back and the pain started to disappear.

"Oh, that's better. Mmm…"

"Is there anything I can get you to make you feel more comfortable?"

"Well, since I'm going to be stuck here, you may as well get me a magazine to read."

"You can't read magazines."

"And that's why you're going to sit here and read it to me."

"Alright, I'll be back."

I waited for him for seven minutes according to my talking watch.

"Motor Monthly or Genovian Express?"

"Couldn't you find this months issue of Woman's World?"

"Umm…no…they were…uh…all out."

I thought that sounded like a lie.

"Are you sure they don't have it?"

"Umm…yes?"

"I don't believe you."

"There were none there!"

"Go and get it now!"

I heard him slap the wall (which is something he does whenever he's annoyed with me), and then he cursed something that sounded like, "Damn women magazines," only I cleaned it up a little. He can be so stubborn sometimes. I don't know why he can't grasp the fact that I am no longer able to read the magazines I want to read and that I require someone to read them for me.

Around half an hour later, he came back. At first I thought he was trying to relieve his anger by avoiding me like he usual does, but that's not at all what he was doing. He told me he came across some brochures in the lobby and thought I might be interested in them. I thought he was just saying that so he didn't have to read Woman's World, but then he started reading one out aloud.

"The E34 reading machine can read any text ranging from documents to books. It has an amazing…"

"A reading machine?"

"Yeah, they read text for you."

"I've never heard of a reading machine before."

"Neither had I."

"I want one! Go and buy me one!"

"You can't just walk into a store and buy one, you have to order it. But let me tell you, they aren't cheap."

"Oh? How much do they cost?"

"Anywhere from three to six thousand."

"Expensive? Ha! I have more than enough retirement money to buy one of those."

"So should I fill out a form then?"

"By all means."

I can't wait for that machine to arrive. Joseph's excited about it too because he won't have to read for me anymore. And I get to listen to my diary without anybody else hearing it, in a private room with the volume turned way down.

I like being happy again.


	8. Day Sixteen

I am so annoyed with Joseph. I cannot believe him of all people would invade my privacy the way he did last night and after that whole speech he made the other day or week or whatever it was, he still did it. He is such a hypocrite.

He came in to visit me early this afternoon and he seemed a bit frightened and in shock.

"H…how are you?" He asked.

"I'm good, thankyou, yourself?"

"Mmm…"

"What did you get up to last night?"

"Oh…not much. Just…reading…"

"Has my package come yet?"

"I only ordered it yesterday."

I sensed he was upset about something, usually we had plenty to talk about and usually he was happy to see me. I stayed silent and waited for him to speak. I heard him sit down on a chair and clear his throat. Then he spoke, "If I ever upset you and I mean REALLY upset you, would you…uh…"

"What?"

"Would you kill me, too?"

"WHAT? What do you mean kill you, too? I would never kill you unless I was possessed! Where did you get an idea like that from?"

He cleared his throat again.

"You read my diary."

He let out a loud sigh.

"You read MY diary."

"It flipped open when I lifted up the mattress."

Oh, I can't believe this. I knew I shouldn't have hidden it there! But where else should one hide something as private as that?

"Is it true?"

"What?"

"Did you really kill your parents?"

"They deserved it!"

"And you weren't caught?"

"No and I don't regret doing it either!"

"So would you?"

"Kill you? No, I love you too much."

"I must admit this is making me very nervous."

"Joseph, I am not going to kill you!"

"Alright, alright."

"You're not going to tell on me are you?"

"Why did you do it?"

"I thought you read my diary."

"Yes, but not all of it. I know you hated them, but murder, Clarisse? That is so unlike you."

"Which is why I didn't get caught. Nobody would expect the loving daughter and queen of Genovia to do something like that. It was un-think-able."

"You sound as if you're…proud of what you did."

"Well, they deserved it! How would you feel having to live your life being watched by someone who's just waiting for you to screw up? To live every minute of the day trying to live up to somebody else's expectations for fear that they'll spread something about you if you make one tiny little mistake? Somebody who spreads lies about you for no reason at all? I don't think you'd like it at all, Joseph. Remember when she spread that rumour about us sleeping together?"

"That was her?"

"Yes and it was the icing on the cake. If you involve someone I love, you can expect horrible results because that's when it gets personal.."

"So you killed her? But what about your father? He was in the fire too!"

"He was in on it! He always supported my mother! Even if he knew she was lying! And…can we please stop talking about this now, I'm getting angry."

"Alright. I have to go anyway, I have to teach some of the men up at the palace about security. Are you coming home tomorrow?"

I sighed, "Yes."

"Good, then I'll pick you up at ten thirty. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Joseph."

He didn't bend down to kiss me like he usually does, he just touched my face and left. I don't know what his problem is. It's not as if I'm going to kill him if he upsets me. He needs to understand that my parents put me through hell and that I had to find a way to repay them for the pain and suffering they caused me. I don't know why he's being so scared about this whole thing, it's not as if he's never killed anybody before. I remember the night he dragged me out of bed and rushed into one of the many secret passages because somebody who was after Rupert had somehow gotten into the palace. We were sitting still in this tiny space in one of the secret passages where he thought nobody would find us. He had one arm wrapped around me shoulder and I was leaning against his chest thinking about how safe I felt, especially since he had a rifle in the other hand. It would have been such a romantic scene if somebody down the end of the passage didn't so rudely interrupt. Joseph whispered to me to be quiet while he aimed at the man and pulled the trigger. It was very loud and it only took one shot for him to fall to his knees. Joseph was very good at handling rifles.

After that, he pulled me closer and whispered, "I'm not going to let you go," which I thought was sweet because I didn't want him to. We stayed crammed together in that tiny passage until morning came. I had fallen asleep on Joseph's shoulder soon after the shot and he stayed alert all night just in case somebody else came to find us. It was nice to wake up in someone else's arms for a change, especially since that someone was Joseph.

Eventually we were given the all clear and I thanked Joseph for taking care of me by kissing him on the forehead. He stared into my eyes, smiling and I stared into his. I think that must have been the moment we realised we were in love. Well, it was the moment that I realised we were…oh goodness, I've been rambling on.

So anyway, he killed that man and he's giving me the cold shoulder just because I did the same to my parents? They were far worse than that man who tried to kill Rupert. Much worse! I wonder why I didn't mention this to Joseph before. Isn't it strange how you always think of the perfect thing to say AFTER the conversation has ended?

I'm sort of panicking about this whole thing now. I fear that he might go to the police and I'll get locked up and have no one will visit me because they'll stop loving me after they find out what I did. Ooh! Why did he have to read my diary?


	9. Day Eighteen

As promised, Joseph picked me up from the hospital yesterday morning, but strangely I am now back in here again. We had a fight. A BIG fight. I am never going to speak to him again. He can crawl into a gutter and die for all I care. Here's what happened:

Dinner was the same as always, he started off by saying, "How was your day?"

And then I said, "Fine thankyou, yours?"

Then he said, "Mmm, it wasn't bad," while trying to consume his food at the same time. Then we sat in silence until we'd finished.

After dinner was a bit strange, we went into the lounge to watch the television as usual, but he didn't sit next to me; he sat in the armchair.

Then we went to bed, which is where it all started. He was drawing back the sheets and fluffing the pillows and I asked him one innocent question and all hell broke loose. All I asked was, "Why aren't we sleeping in our room?"

He replied, "Because, I haven't disposed of the mattress yet."

"Why not? You had all week to do it!"

"No I didn't, I became pre-occupied with something I found underneath it."

"Oh, you're still upset about the murder thing even though it has nothing to do with you?"

"Of course it has something to do with me. You killed them because they said something about me that you didn't like!"

We slid ourselves under the covers and I heard him turn off the lamp.

"There were more reasons than that! You're not the center of everything, Joseph. Besides, I'm not the only person in this bed who's ever killed anyone…"

"Clarisse, you know very well that if I didn't do it, we'd both be dead!"

I kept quiet and stared into the darkness that had been surrounding me for the past couple of weeks. Joseph stayed quiet, too…I figured he was trying to get to sleep. I however couldn't get to sleep and that's where it REALLY began. I got out of bed and grabbed my cane and cardigan. Joseph moaned, "Mmm…where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going for a walk."

"Clarisse, get back in bed, I'm too tired to go for a walk."

"Funny, I don't remember asking you if you wanted to come."

"You know very well I have to come. It's dark outside and you might get lost."

"Darkness is of no importance to me."

"Just get back into bed, please?"

I walked out of the room, down the stairs and out the front door, slamming it behind me. Joseph was yelling at me from the bedroom telling me to come back, but I kept on walking. That's the good part about having a large property; the neighbours can't hear you when you're fighting. After I'd walked about a hundred meters, I heard Joseph's footsteps heading towards me, so I walked faster. He caught up to me and grabbed my arm, "God, Clarisse, if I ask you to do something, you do it!"

I shook my arm free and turned around, "You're not the boss of me."

I then started walking off, but he grabbed me again, "Get inside now!"

"Joseph, if you don't let go of me right now I'll…"

"You'll what? Kill me?"

I didn't take kindly to that remark and neither did my cane. I swang at him until I heard him yell, "Ahh!"

I started walking again. I heard him running up again and I tried taking another swing at him, but he caught my arm and ripped my cane out of it. I then heard it flying through the air. Joseph then muttered some cursed words and stormed back to the house. I bent down and felt around for my cane, but I couldn't find it. I thought that was very mean of him. I HATE him taking advantage of my not being able to see! How was I supposed to find my way back? The answer? I didn't. I tried for a long time to find my way back to the house, but I wasn't sure what direction to walk in. Eventually I just gave up and leaned against a tree. It was an unfamiliar tree, too, so I couldn't exactly tell where I was. I put my arms around my legs and my head on my knees and started crying once again.

Later into the night, I felt something fall gently onto my nose. No, it wasn't bird droppings, it was a snowflake. That was not a good sign.

I remember just sitting there with the snow gradually building up around me singing:

_I see skies of blue,_

_Clouds of white._

_The bright-blessed day,_

_The dark sacred night. _

_And I think to myself,_

_What a wonderful world._

I was shivering so much and I wished for Joseph to come out and find me, but he didn't. I figured he had either been drinking too much and passed out like he always does after we've had a disagreement or he just didn't care about what happened to me. The tears that fell down my cheeks were the only things that were keeping me warm. I was out there all night wishing someone would find me, but by morning, it was too late. A funeral was held for me under the same tree I passed away under and everyone from all over the land came and…

Alright, I'm lying! What really happened was that Joseph found me THE NEXT MORNING and took me to the hospital, which is where I woke up and is also where I am right now. Mia came in earlier today when she heard the news and I apologized to her for ruining her wedding. She told me to forget about it and to just get better. I'm glad that's all sorted out. She brought in my tape recorder too. When we were having a chat, Joseph came into the room and said the same thing as last time, "Clarisse! Oh, darling, I'm so happy you're finally awake! How are you feeling?"

I quietly said to Mia, "Get him out of here, I never wish to speak to him again."

I heard her get up and repeat what I said to her. He said, "What?"

I shouted out to him, "You heard her! Go home, pack your things and get out of my life. I never wish to speak to you again!"

"But…"

"OUT!"

"Just let me explain!"

"Explain? You mean explain how you stole my cane and left me out in the wilderness with no hope of finding my way back? Or explain how you left me out in the snow to die? Or explain that once again, I'm back in hospital because you couldn't take proper care of me?"

"Don't be stupid…"

"Is that what you want to explain to me!"

"Clarisse I…"

"Mia, would you please leave the room for a moment or two?"

"She already left. Clarisse, will you please let me explain? I was very tired last night and it didn't help that you wanted to go out walking at midnight. It's my job to take care of you! It always has been and it always will be."

"You didn't take very good care of me last night."

"You didn't exactly make it easy."

"Oh, here it comes…"

"What exactly were you trying to achieve by whacking me with your cane?"

"I'm sick and tired of having you follow me wherever I go."

"I only do it because you could get lost or injured!"

"But the chances of that happening are highly unlikely."

"No, the chances of that happening are highly probable."

He put his hand on mine, but I pulled it away, "Why didn't you come and find me?"

"Because when I got back to the house I started drinking in order to relieve my stress and…I passed out."

"What a surprise. While you were sitting in my house all nice and warm drinking your brandy, I was sitting under a tree shivering to death with no food, no water and no warmth at all."

"It was your own fault. I asked you not to go walking so late."

"No, you TOLD me not to go walking."

"As if it makes a difference!"

"It does to me."

"You know what? You are impossible! I've tried so hard to help you settle into this new lifestyle of yours, but I'm finding it a real struggle to keep going. Every time I try and help you, you just push me further and further away. Perhaps it's time I just gave up altogether."

"Well, they do say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going."

"I'll be out of your house by Thursday."

He got up to leave and I said, "After you walk out that door, you are never to speak to me or my family again."

"Fine!"

"Goodbye, Mr…umm…what's your name?"

"Goodbye, Mrs. Renaldi, it's been…well, time consuming."

With that he left, never to be heard from again. I tried to fight the huge lump that was forming in my throat, but I just couldn't. I had lost Joseph again and all because we're both too stubborn to admit when we're wrong.

After Joseph and I said goodbye, Mia came back in and saw the tears streaming down my face. She asked me what the problem was and why Joseph had hugged her and said goodbye in the hall as if he was never going to see her again. I told her that when I was ready to talk about it, I would.


	10. Day Twenty One

Once again I have entered the stage of depression…will it ever end? I am so sick of feeling sad all of the time. It's all Joseph's fault…

Oh who am I kidding? It's all my fault! I drove him away! I told him never to come back! It was my fault!

I must admit I didn't think he'd actually leave, I thought he'd come back to the hospital and take me home and apologise to me and we'd make up, but that's not what happened at all.

After two days of being in the hospital, Mia (not Joseph, as I told her he'd gone on vacation) came to pick me up and she took me back home. Joseph wasn't there and Mia said the place looked empty. I noticed that he had taken all of his personal belonging and he left everything else as it was. I found his wedding ring on the bedside table along with a letter that was addressed to me. I was going to ask her to read it for me but I decided that I'd wait until my machine arrived in case it was personal. She asked me if I'd be fine by myself or if I wanted her to send someone from the palace over to help me or if I'd prefer to stay with her for a few days, but I said I was fine where I was. She made a pot of soup for me before she left and scooped some into a bowel. I said goodbye to her and listened to the car drive off. I then made my way back to the kitchen and sat down. That's when I lost it.

I was carefully sipping the soup that and the spoon I was using suddenly fell to the floor. I put my head in my hands and started crying once more. I don't really know for sure what the problem was, I guess I was just upset about the realisation that Joseph was never going to come back. I wouldn't blame him though, I haven't exactly been the best wife.

I stayed seated at the table for a very long time. I know this because I woke up sometime during the night and found that my head was soaked in soup. I got up, turned the table on its side and stormed upstairs to take a bath. I forcefully ripped off my clothes and tossed them aside, falling over in the process. I then grasped the tap handle and the water shot out and filled the tub in minutes. I pulled myself into the warm water and grabbed a bottle of wine, which was sitting on the bath side table. After about an hour or so I found myself singing…

"When I was young  
I never needed anyone  
And making love was just for fun  
Those days are gone  
Livin' alone  
I think of all the friends I've known  
When I dial the telephone  
Nobody's home

All by myself  
Don't wanna be  
All by myself  
Anymore

All by myself  
Don't wanna be  
All by myself

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

All by myself

All by myself

All by MYSELF!"

It turned into more of a horrible yelling medley towards the end. Exhaustedly, I collapsed into the water, only to emerge a second later. I knew I couldn't stay there all night with the water getting colder by the second, so I pulled out the plug and waited for it to drain while I dried myself off with a towel. I was able to get to sleep very quickly…well, the pills I took allowed me to get to sleep very quickly. Five, I think (I wasn't sure that they'd still work on account of my purchasing them after Philippe passed away).

I awoke in the morning and immediately knew where I was; in the hospital again! I've been in here so much lately, I might as well make it my permanent residence. That's what the nurse said anyway.

Charlotte explained to me that she came to the house early this morning because Mia asked her to, as she was worried about me. Apparently those five pills were very much out of date and I had to have my stomach pumped. The wine didn't help the situation either. I am now stuck in here once again with nothing to do. Charlotte brought all of my cassettes in, but there's only so much 'Little Women' one can handle and listening to Joseph's tape simply upsets me. I'm stuck in here for another two days or until I get back on my feet. I don't know why I keep letting myself get put back in here, I used to take very good care of my body. I'm beginning to think I should just end my life altogether, I'm sure nobody would miss me. Charlotte spends so much time in session with parliament these days, I haven't spoken to Pierre for months and Mia's too busy with being queen to spend time with her poor old sick grandmother. And Joseph…well you can forget about him ever coming to visit me. I haven't heard from him since I told him to leave the other day. He definitely wouldn't care if I passed on.

I have decided that in order for me to feel better and reclaim peace with myself, I am going to give up a few habits of mine. I am going to stop eating, drinking, sleeping, moving, bathing, socialising and breathing. I plan to just lay here until the angels come and take me up to heaven. After all, what's the point of living when you have nobody to love?

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Okay, writing this is seriously almost making me cry. Review please! 


	11. Day Twenty Three

I failed in my attempt to give up sleeping, but it did turn out for the best. When I woke up, I felt a finger running up and down my cheek. I didn't know who it was, nor did I care until I found out whose finger it was.

"How long has she been like this?" He asked in his beautiful deep voice.

"A couple of days. It seems she's lost the will to live. I don't know why she didn't tell me the two of you had decided to go your own ways."

"Neither do I. She made it quite clear that we are finished."

"But you were so good together."

"Mia, your grandmother is a wonderful woman, but she only cares about herself. All she ever thinks about is me, me, me!"

That is not true! If I only cared about myself, I wouldn't have been lying there in hope that I'd die.

"I think the best thing we can do is get her home."

"But the nurse said…"

"I don't care what the nurse said. Staying here isn't doing her any good, what harm will taking her home do?"

He lifted me carefully into a wheelchair, wheeled me downstairs and placed me in an automobile of some sort, which took us back to the house. He carried me inside and took me up to the bedroom, placing me gently down on the bed and sitting down next to me.

"Clarisse, are you alright? Feeling okay? Need anything?"

I didn't answer.

"Do you want me to run you a bath?"

I remained silent.

"Clarisse, I know you can hear me."

I didn't feel like talking, I was too busy wondering why he was taking care of me all of a sudden. He left the room to turn the taps on and came back five minutes later.

"Clarisse, are you going to let me bath you?"

He took me into the bathroom and removed my outer layer of clothing, like he did last time, although this time he did it very gently. He then placed me into the water. It felt absolutely fantastic and the thought that Joseph was close by made me realise that I was safe. I let the water fill my mouth, because I was incredibly thirsty. Joseph started washing me and I couldn't help but wonder if he was coming back for good. Why else would he have been doing this for me? It's strange, but he didn't say anything the whole time I was in the bath…

He helped me out of the tub and dried me off with a clean towel. He then led me into the bedroom and helped me dress. He left me alone in bed for ten minutes while he went downstairs to cook chicken soup. It smelt heavenly and the taste was even better.

"You must have been hungry."

Finally, I decided to speak, "Joseph?"

"Amazing, she speaks!"

"What are you doing here? Why are you doing this for me?"

"I'm here because your granddaughter tracked me down and told me that you needed help. I am doing this because despite the fact that you loathe me, I still love you and I want to see you happy again."

"I do not loathe you, Joseph. I love you. I've always loved you."

"You have the funniest way of showing it, 'I never wish to speak to you again'. Yep, lots of love there…"

"Why did you leave?"

"Because you told me to."

"And you do everything I tell you to do?"

"Not everything."

"I want you to come back."

"What?"

"I want you to come back here. I miss you so much and I'm a wreck without you."

"Clarisse, you can't just push me out of your life when it suits you and then just pull me back into again when you think you need me. I am not your toy."

"I never said you were…"

"You have to decide between me and yourself!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You think you're the only person in the world that's of any importance!"

"I do not!"

"You do too!"

"I do not!"

"You do too…my point is that if you want to get back together, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you are never going to see again. You have to learn that you cannot take your anger out on me. You have to listen to me when I tell you something isn't safe. You cannot go walk-abouts without supervision whenever you please."

"And I understand that now. I'd do anything to get you back."

He got up to leave, but I reached for his arm and pulled him back, "I do not want to lose you AGAIN."

"Then consider this your last warning, one more upset, and I'm gone. Are you going to be alright in here by yourself?"

I straightened up my robe and nodded.

"Then I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight. Oh, by the way, there appears to be a large package addressed to you downstairs."

That was a relief, I had him back and it seemed my package had arrived.

Joseph has this unusual power over me. He can snap me in and out of depression just like that! It's quite extraordinary. I don't know how everything started to go wrong. When I was queen, I would never have shed a tear over anything other than a death, I would never have lost the will to live over one man alone and I would certainly never have begged for forgiveness. Oh well, I'm not queen anymore, Mia is. And what a delightful queen she is too. Such a lovely girl to get her grandmother's husband to come back. I'm going to do my best to keep Joseph by my side because I have come to the conclusion that I am nothing without him. I can hear him snoring in the next room (he must have been tired in order to get to sleep so fast). I have the urge to go in there and snuggle up next to him and listen to all those horrible noises he produces. They may be horrible, but they're mine.

* * *

Enjoy! The next chapter will probably be the last. Review please! 


	12. Day Thirty One

Remember that package Joseph was talking about? Well it turned out to be my reading machine (as I expected). I got up at 5am that morning and carefully walked to the downstairs hallway. I felt around the floor and came across the package. I then ripped it open and took the box into the lounge room. I placed it on the coffee table, opened the box and carefully lifted the machine out and plugged it into the wall. Next, I placed it on my lap and started pressing buttons. It made a beep noise and said, "No text to read."

I got up and ran upstairs to get the letter that Joseph left on the bed before he went away. Here's what it said:

"_Dear Clarisse,_

_I'm sorry things didn't work out between us; I really thought we'd be together forever. Can you believe we split up after only thirteen weeks? That's pathetic! I guess it just wasn't meant to be. _

_I was so happy when you finally proposed to me. I'd been in love with you for years. Remember that night we spent together in that tiny little passageway? I wanted to kiss you so badly. I sat awake all night just staring at you, which was not a very smart thing to do since we were under attack and I should have been keeping alert, but I couldn't help myself, you were so beautiful and still are. It was at that point that I realised that what I felt for you wasn't just an attraction, it was love. _

_Anyway, I'm trailing off here so…I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that someday we'll meet again and you'll smile at me and I'll smile at you. Just like old times._

_Have a nice life, Clarisse, I'm sure you're going to be very lonely (as will I, because I'm already missing you)._

_All my love,_

_Joseph."_

I don't know why he left that as a goodbye letter. If he didn't come back, I would have been bawling at his choice of words. If I were him and I was leaving me, I would write something like:

"_Dear Clarisse,_

_It's a shame things didn't go according to plan. I had a feeling marrying you was a bad idea. Anyway, I've got to go now (things to do)._

_Seeya, _

_Joseph." _

That way, if he didn't come back, it wouldn't be as sad because it would have sounded as if he really didn't care for me…wait a minute..?

This reading machine is a real blessing. I can now "read" magazines and books and newspapers and anything I want to read without having to disturb Joseph. I can tell my life is just going to get better and better from now on. Everything is perfect.

Remember those so-called "stages" that I was supposed to have gone through? Well I think I only went through four of them altogether. And they weren't even in the correct order. Perhaps I'm just different? Perhaps the fact that I almost lost Joseph again was a wake-up call that there are more important things in life than being able to see. I don't even care anymore that I'm permanently blind, because I have Joseph. We've resolved our differences and we've even started sleeping in the same bed again. I have a feeling that pretty soon we'll be doing more in there than just sleeping. Pretty soon indeed. I plan to just come right out and say, "Joseph, I think it's time we took the final step in our relationship."

Can you imagine the kind of look he'll have on his face when I tell him that? I can. It will probably be the same face he put on after I proposed to him. The "I thought you'd never ask" face. Haha!

Right now, I'm waiting for him to return from the shops with my face cream. I told him that I'd run out of face cream and asked him to go and fetch some more for me. He said that I'm beautiful enough without face cream, which was sweet, but I wanted him out of the house for a few minutes while I prepared. About ten minutes after he left I felt around in my drawers for my special 'Love Perfume' and sprayed it in the air and on myself. I sprayed it everywhere except for inside my mouth; I had something else for my breath. I must smell like the most desirable woman in the world. That is my intention, after all.

9:32pm: Waiting, waiting, waiting…

9:34pm: Still waiting…

9:37pm: STILL waiting…

9:40pm: STILL WAITING! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO DRIVE DOWN TO THE SHOP TO GET FACE CREAM?

9:43pm: Finally! I can hear him downstairs. I'm turning some romantic music on, waiting for him to come upstairs…

9:47pm: Still waiting for him to come upstairs. What on earth is he doing down there?

9:49pm: Oh! I hear footsteps! And now the door is opening.

"I'm back, darling. Mmm…you smell nice."

"Thankyou. Did you get my cream?"

"No, they were all out, but I did get you this."

"What is it?"

"Massage oil."

"Well…that's a start."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, nothing."

"What?"

"It's just…Joseph, I've been thinking of asking you this for a while and…I think it's time we took our relationship to the final level."

"…Well, I thought you'd never ask."

"Mmm…that look."

"What look?"

"That one on your face. The shocked, but pleased one."

"How do you know what kind of expression I'm wearing?"

"My instincts tell me so."

"Instincts? What else are your instincts telling you?"

"They're telling me to undress you slowly and take you to heaven."

"Well then, I'd say trust in your instincts."

"Joseph…"

"Clarisse…"

"Oops, I almost forgot I left this on. Shall we say it on three? One…two…"

"Goodbye, listening people!"

* * *

End! The end! One chaptered story down…two to go…

Hope you enjoyed this. Til next time…

Review it now!


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